The Fool

I’m a fool, or feel foolishly often when I move compulsively towards something I once regarded skeptically, and then decided single-mindedly was perfection in one of its myriad forms. I seek out answers in strangers who all too suddenly possess the qualities I never knew I wanted. I wholeheartedly embrace anyone who holds the promise of home.

Home, of course, is the place where I am my most authentic. Home, naturally, is the state of being where I feel most complete, fulfilled, and active in living out the fantasy life I’m determined will become real. Home is where love is unconditionally enjoyed. Home is where I am fulfilling my potential, where my inner world is brought to life on a small stage in a million places. Home is where I let myself say “a billion places” because that is the truth of my desire. I have a heart at home, one that I all too readily make available here, at this point on my journey where I met you, on my way towards the place I call home but feel endlessly far from.

Here, as I’ve said before, I love impetuously. I am a fool, here, I am a fool. And I can’t blame you, or you, or you, for seeing that and being drawn in, it’s charming to be sure. Who can resist a fool when she’s a fool for you? How could your fragile ego say no? Mine couldn’t when you whispered kind words, or made me the object of your affection, if only for a moment. Silly as I am, I know a moment when I see one. Foolish as I am, I turned to you and asked for you to make it last longer. You’re no magician, you’re a mortal man, and mortal men have no power to control the elements of time. I wonder if that scares you.

I’m going home, and this is where I leave you. I am not a fool further down the road, and this happy hapless mess you hold on the occasions when it suits you, will shortly be a small speck in the distance. Stay here, or take your own path away from this place, but do not keep me from continuing on mine. Although I hate goodbyes, very soon your voice will hardly rise above a faint echo in the caverns of my mind. Very soon, your image will blur seamlessly into the scenery. And, though I am scared to walk alone, I will not wait. And, once I’ve gone, I will not come back to find you. I can not risk getting lost again. I can not be delayed. And though I admit I’ve paused to call out the names of past companions, I know in my heart that they’ll never catch up. And although it pains me to leave you, and although I often entertain the idea of stopping for a while and building a shelter where I stand, I will keep moving on. Nothing I can build here will ever compare to where I’m going.

I can see that you still think your charm could keep me here. You are grievously mistaken. You only know me as a fool. I am a fool, but a few steps from here I’m a king.

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