To Whom it May Concern,
I am writing in response to the employment opportunity you have listed on Craigslist. Attached you will find my resume, which contains only half of the jobs I’ve actually had over the past three years, the dates of which have been stretched very slightly to give the illusion of intentional transitions between positions. In reality, I voluntarily left or was gently but decisively encouraged to seek employment elsewhere because I just couldn’t handle sitting behind a desk.
I have over two years of administrative experience despite the fact that I am not detail-orientated and I can’t design functional filing systems. I hate forms, I can’t get programs to work together, and I lied about being comfortable with Excel. I haven’t actually ever used Photoshop, but if I had to figure it out I imagine I could, so it’s listed under skills.
I consider myself a very reliable person. You can count on me to feel suffocated after six months and be looking for my next project. I am also very creative; I come up with thousands of escape plans on a daily basis, some of which include grand heists, others which involve cheap accommodation, and my back-up plan is marry rich. I am punctual, which is surprising given that I never leave the house on time.
The reason I am interested in this position is because it is more money than I am currently making at my part-time, minimum-wage, bookstore job. I also am optimistic that maybe this time it’ll be different. That I can survive as a square peg in a round hole. And, although I have absolutely no interest in administrative work, or in the field your company operates in, the idea of being taken seriously temporarily overrides the incredible bitterness I feel towards the 40-hour work week. That being said, I hate myself more with every word I type, knowing that this carefully crafted email will likely get me hired.
My references are available upon request, mostly because I’m hoping you won’t ask.
I am not looking forward to your response. I am available for an interview at your convenience – because I’m a masochist – and also I want my family to be proud of me.
ps. I am also available to cater parties, make props, and I’d cut a bitch for a mindless receptionist position.