The Lightening Round

“It’s that time again folks, let’s give a hand to our contestant for making it this far.”

[raucous applause]

[contestant waves]

“Aaaaaaand it’s the lightening round. Try to answer as many questions as you can correctly in the next 60 seconds for the chance to see what’s behind door number three. Are you ready?”

[contestant nods]

“Fannnnnnnntastic. Julie, the timer.”

[a lady in a sparkly dress punches a big red button]

“Here we go. How do you feel about me? If you could get any outcome from this what would it be? What are scares you, just in general? Was this a false start? Have you mentioned me to your Mom? Did she see my picture? What are your expectations? Are you actually busy or can you not admit that you’re avoiding me a little because you don’t have answers to these questions yet? Do you want to take the lead and call me or is it okay if I call you? Are we really past games or is telling me that a sneaky move so that you can win? Do I need to read anything into the other night? Do you like me as much as people say you do, or are they just projecting the outcome they want to see for us onto you and trying to encourage me to see it to? Am I going to meet your friends for real? Do you bring me up in conversation? Would you think it was weird that I’ve mentioned you to people you’ve never met? How much are you willing to put into this? How far can I push you before you push back? How many times can I push you before you’ve had enough? Can you give me any guarantees that you’ll still want to talk to me next week? Next month? Next year? How about ten? Are you flattered that I suddenly care or now do you think that you can do better since I’m obviously interested and now the balance of power is tipped towards you?”

[Contestant faints]

“Oh not again… NEXT CONTESTANT PLEASE.”

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