To Castro

Dear Castro,

II just saw an episode of The West Wing where there were rumors about your health and Leo McGarry went to visit you and broker a deal between our two countries. I’m not sure if you saw it. There were references to Hemingway. I’m sure he didn’t see it either. It wasn’t very good. I doubt Aaron Sorkin would have gone with that kind of plot line if he were still writing for the show at that point.

I’m writing because I’ve been thinking of taking an extended trip to your island and wondered what your thoughts were on that. I can get around the whole embargo because I’ve got U.K. citizenship. You see, I’d like to be a writer, and if it worked for Hemingway maybe it could work for me. Nothing else seems to be falling into place. I had this whole plan to become an acupuncturist, but I dragged my feet on the applications and now my momentum is slowing. Mostly it’s because I’ve been disillusioned by the sheer incompetence of my Anatomy & Physiology teacher, and equally by my own sapping motivation to learn the muscle groups and bones. You’d think with all this time on my hands I’d be getting a lot more out of being an unemployed, part-time student. Mostly I watch a lot of television. It’s tough being a loser, Castro. It really is. It wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t genuinely believed I’d be successful by now. I did, wholeheartedly. I thought things would fall into place and that my life would naturally assume some sort of order. It hasn’t. The other day I likened it to a game of Jenga. I don’t know if you play, but the point is to keep poking wooden bricks out of a stable structure and using those pieces to build it higher. Eventually, the structure is so full of holes that it collapses from the removal or misplacement of one of its bricks. That’s how things feel to me, except I’m not sure if I’m still standing or if the bricks have fallen around me already. Mostly I just feel tired and anxious. I toy with the idea of hiding under my covers, bullshitting my way through these classes which would defeat the point of taking them because if I want to be a good and serious practitioner I kind of need to know where the arm is on the body, and then sometimes I think about joining the army because lord knows I can’t instill any discipline in myself. If I could maybe I’d study more, get my ballot filled out for the elections, and not have eaten all 4 portions of the pasta bake I made last night.

So, if you think I could come hide out for a while that’d be great. I’m really not enjoying myself right now, and I kind of feel like I’m just going to be wasting my time and my money trying to make something out of myself. If I’m going to be a loser I’d like to do it where nobody can witness it. I’m driving myself nuts watching everyone else look moderately happy and successful. I can’t understand what they picked up about life that I missed. That vital instruction someone gave them about how to grow up and be disciplined. Was I not in class that day?

Anyway, hope you’re well and to hear from you soon.

Lili

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s