To a missed opportunity

Dear KFP,

We’ve already exchanged a few heartfelt letters, I’ve written one or two that I never sent. I find this one more difficult to write because I don’t know if the frustration that has prompted it is justified.

Yesterday I went out to lunch the family friend I introduced to you. I’m working for her at the moment and being exposed to all the people I wanted you to meet. You weren’t mentioned, but when I thought about it today I still couldn’t figure out why you never followed through with her.

I’ve told you already that your drive and passion is one of the main things that attracted me to you. When we were together you were so dedicated to your degree and all the side projects that came with it that you relegated me to #4 on your list of priorities. That was fine, I admired how seriously you took your future. That’s why I can’t understand why, when you had the opportunity to meet some of the most innovative and successful people in the field you want to work in, you didn’t take it.

I know that I shouldn’t be annoyed. You once told me that if I choose to do something for someone that I had no right to get upset if they didn’t respond in the way I wanted. I know it was my idea to put you two in contact and that you never asked me for anything. I guess I’m just upset because you fell far below my expectations.

I truly never asked for many details about your meeting, but I often wonder if there was a reason why you never got in touch with her again. I don’t know if you got swamped by exams or if you were too shy to ask for help. I worry that it was because of me, that you thought I’d use as a way to stay in your life. I would never have done that. I had no ulterior motive. I genuinely just wanted you to get something you wanted, something you had been working for, something I felt you deserved.

Part of my frustration is probably anger at myself. I don’t put myself out on a limb for many people, and I feel like my faith in you was misplaced. It makes me doubt my judgement and what I felt for you during our brief relationship, as if it was all based on a perception I had of you, the person I wanted you to be. I hope I’m wrong about that, and I still hope you achieve what I always believed you were capable of.

Love, #4

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